What not to do when things get hard

Last week I found myself in one of my happy places–sitting on the floor in a circle of women. We are a brand-new women’s circle, so to begin getting know each other, each of us answered a question selected from a pile of folded paper strips tossed on the floor.

Mine was this: What do you do when things get hard? Whew! These were not your typical surface-level questions.

In response, I told sort of a long story that included things like gratitude, the wisdom of trees, and leaning on my women friends. But I later realized what I said was only a part of a much larger answer, which I’ve been mulling ever since. In particular, what not to do when things get hard.

Personally, things have been a bit challenging lately as I hospice my elderly dog whose back legs are mostly paralyzed and kidneys are failing. He’s still motoring around well enough to take an energetic romp up to the barn with me each morning, but afterward, he sleeps most of the day. There are lots of messes to clean up, and I spend inordinate amounts of time outside in the cold waiting for him to go potty. I’ve had to adjust my daily activities to accommodate his schedule, and this has demanded my patience. I vacillate between moments of deep tenderness and moments of equally deep irritation.

Even in this relatively small way, my life has been uprooted because I no longer feel I control how I spend my time. I can’t imagine how life must feel right now for those faced with much more complicated hardships.

Even in this small-scale challenge, I notice that I’m often doing what absolutely does not work when hardship comes: I’m bracing against it. And this makes me wonder what else I am bracing against. Turns out, quite a bit, and mostly I do it unconsciously. My aim is to begin noticing so I may consciously relax.

My bracing shows up clearly in my body once I get still enough to perceive it. While meditating recently, I noticed tightness in my right hip. As I breathed into it, I realized this holding in the hip connected downward to discomfort in my calf, ankle and foot as well as upward into my shoulder and jaw. With this awareness, I’ve noticed a clenching of my jaw every time I clean up a dog mess, practice a difficult yoga pose, or read something in the news.

Digging deeper, I’ve discovered this habitual holding pattern in my body has energetic roots to an inner bracing. An illusion that it is possible for me to hold at bay what is happening to me (and in the world at large). I used to perceive this as strength. The proverbial “pull yourself up by your bootstraps and keep going” approach to life that our culture teaches us. And while the idea has some merit in that it can help us locate our inner fortitude, I have too often used this power to push against life events rather than to soften into them.

I’m beginning to realize that not only is my bracing sapping my strength, but it’s also preventing me from fully experiencing the juicier parts of life, such as the last sweet moments I have with my dog.

When we brace against what we can’t control, we waste precious energy. We also limit our ability to see the wholeness of our experiences. Our energy flows toward seeing the glass as half-empty, and we have little left for dreaming solutions and co-creating with the Universe what can be a more beautiful life. My work now is to flow toward my discomfort, rather than stiffen against it.

The reality is that my dear dog-friend is not going to get better. In fact, he’s going to decline and then die at some point in the relatively near future. It also seems that the state of the world is not going to get easier to cope with any time soon. I can control neither of these things. But bracing is counterproductive.

What I can do when things get hard is choose to be fully present to what is before me without resistance. In that way, I can discern whether there are wise actions I can take or whether it’s wiser to be still. I can also notice and be grateful for the glimmers of beauty present whether I’m in a women’s circle or cleaning up a dog mess.

What do you do when things get hard? If you need the support of higher wisdom, consider an intuitive reading, healing or spiritual mentorship. I would be honored to work with you. I also offer sacred community gatherings, some for free! More info at RememberYourWings.com.

Share with others....

Facebook
Twitter
Email
IMG_8105

Jennifer Reeve

I am  a healing guide, a space holder and a reflector of your sacred light. My aim is to help you connect with your wild, expansive Divine essence so you may freely share your gifts with the world. I offer intuitive readings, non-touch energy healings, spiritual mentoring, embodiment practices, nature connection and sacred ceremony. It would be my honor to guide you toward your expansion.

Scroll to Top